I wrote these lines on my dog Eliott's first birthday, 21 January 2024.
Last year at this time I was working 10-12 hours a day every weekday, and often a few hours on weekends. When I wasn't working with patients, I was reading about endo, researching, writing, studying for thousands of continuing education courses and exams. I fell into the mistake of thinking that because I had experienced the knowledge I had at my fingertips, the knowledge I could make so many people's lives healthier and more joyful, I simply couldn't say no. When I wasn't working, I felt guilty that I could have been working or helping someone during that time.
I wanted to spend every minute doing something useful to such an extent that it became a task, which was originally meant to be for my health and recharging, I was constantly multitasking, optimizing, hardly sleeping because I was sorry for the time. Because I live a sporty lifestyle, I was still moving, but I didn't enjoy it, I just wanted to get it down so I could tick it off my list, and of course I combined that with studying.
I also managed the affairs of my family, my businesses. In this situation I have had success after success, my patients have been cured, I have gone everywhere, I have done all the interviews. The momentum carried me so much that I didn't feel tired and that's how I loved my days. Honestly, I'm surprised to read this now. I don't know how I did it, but I did it. I think another six months at that pace would have been a straight road to burnout.
When Karma, our old rescue dog, was confirmed to have a recurrence of cancer, I knew, because I know her like the back of my hand, what would help her - which was six years ago in the first round. A baby, a baby brother.
I knew it wasn't going to be easy... But now I had no time to waste, the cancer was spreading and I had to throw up and decide, fine, we'll deal with it.
And it was. One year ago today, on this day, he was born, and I didn't even know he existed. Even his birth story shows his little personality, that little selfish, self-righteous soul: four of them started out, he was born alone.
I wanted a Blue merle and a girl. This baby was black tricolour and little p@cky. Yet the moment I saw her, I knew, I had no doubt in my mind. It was her. That's who I need. We need her.
There was already a queue for him, a single, beautiful puppy, but the breeder and I were very sympathetic to each other, we were chosen as the owner candidates. When we could have gone for him, I became covetous and thought they would surely give him to someone else, maybe they wouldn't believe I was sick. But they waited, and ten days later I found myself driving home with a black furry little dumpling on my lap, whining in a terribly annoying high-pitched voice. It was the most beautiful little dumpling I had ever seen.
I am not exaggerating, it took three months for the previously aggressive cancer to simply disappear from Karmus' body without any other treatment. Today he's running again, scooting, okay, I don't want to romanticize this, a lot of times not with Eliot but from him, but running... 14 years old and he's healthy.
But that's just one thing that this baby has changed.
My previous life remained unsustainable with him. He's not like a greyhound who happily lies on the couch for hours, he demands that we go for walks, runs, go crazy, dance, jump in the snow, pull rope, play tag, hide and seek, get crazy and lose our minds for at least three hours a day.
At first I was scared of what was going to happen, but I was like, I've taken responsibility and I have to give him a good life. So I stopped learning on the treadmill and went outside. We walked outside, took a huge hike in the woods, ran around the lake. We learned tricks to wear him down not only physically but mentally.
And the more we were outside, the more the world opened up. With less work and less learning, not only did my efficiency not decrease, but that's when I really realised what it was like to really take wings. I have fewer patients, but we have a relationship that is a beautiful alliance, fulfilling and incredibly joyful.
The fact that Eliott has taught me to REALLY take care of myself with love, not just on a task level, I feel has also made me a better person and a better psychologist, a better professional. Someone who can now see that taking care of herself is even more beneficial to her patients than taking care of the crap out of herself.
I have learned to say no to those who just want to use me, without being torn apart by guilt. I am now achieving this on all levels. Whether it's an overblown email, a boring interview, a fake human connection. I don't go anymore, just to say, well, I was on TV this week, I checked off my social obligations this week, etc. This crazy puppy helped me move away from human relationships where I no longer had a place, a common path, and led me to friends who, just thinking about them, fill my heart to overflowing with love.
I thought it was fine for me to walk on the treadmill, but only because I didn't know what it was like outside. Unhindered, carefree, free, in the company of my dogs.
One year ago on this day, I had this little creature who changed my life. I will be forever grateful that he became my dog Maybe there is a nicer one (there isn't anyway), there may be better, smarter, and I can very definitely say that there is certainly quieter. But wherever I go, whatever dog I meet, all I see are these two babies. I know that all owners are like that, and that's the way it should be. We are all right. 🙂
EN 
HU